Oh, I dunno, maybe two, three, sometimes four times a week. Before we go to bed.

Nah, never. Only queers jerk-off.

Well, usually we watch a little TV. Have a little snack, some Häagen-Dazs or Sara Lee. Watch Jay Leno. Then we uh, you know, do it.

Well, usually I get, you know, undressed, brush my teeth. Wash my face. I think it's important that you, you know, try to make an effort. And then, you know, since she's a woman, she spends about a half-hour in there putting on all those lotions and things, while I lay around in the bedroom. Sometimes, I'll put something sexy on the VCR. A porno. Gets me in the mood, you know?

What kind? The kind where they screw each other's brains out. I like the ones where the chick is on the bottom and her boobs are shaking up and down. I'm not really into any of that kinky stuff. Boobs, I like boobs.

Then? Then we do it. Well, she comes into the bedroom, usually with a sexy smile on her face like she's happy to see me. I got her this great nightie for her birthday and sometimes she wears that. Or just nothing, you know? And she lies on the bed and I you know, play with her tits for a while, kiss her, all that shit. Sometimes she blows me. If it's New Year's or something like that, we might be a little shit-faced. And then we do it.

Do it. Fuck. Screw, whaddya think I mean? I put it in and we go up and down. Uh ... I dunno, about 10 minutes, 15 minutes, I dunno. I'm not like trying to set any records. Plus we're not into all that weird shit. We just do it.

Of course she enjoys it. Do you think she'd do it if she didn't? She gets all wet. She makes a bunch of noise. Says things.

I dunno what she says. Things. I dunno, like "I love you." That kind of stuff.

Oh yeah, she comes, of course she comes.

Why would she be faking it? She isn't faking it, uh-uh. She loves it when I'm banging her. Hey, she loves me, right?

Nah we never do it more than once. Unless we're on vacation. Then sometimes. Like one time we were in Bermuda and we didn't leave the bed all day. Well, most of the day.

After? Usually I go have a cigarette, she doesn't like me smoking in the bedroom. So I go out on the balcony. Usually by the time I'm done, she's asleep.

How would I rate it? Very satisfying. A-plus. I mean, I know guys who never get it. Three, four times a week, like clockwork, how can you beat that? And hell we've been together for 15 years. It's like Paul Newman said, "Why should I go out for hamburger when I can have steak at home?"

Read No. 31

Private Life Romance, relationships, and the personal side of Table Talk