I was on a mission. Find something longer than it was wide. Door handle, no good. Bicycle pump, too painful. Small vase, too wide. And then I remembered: old faithful ... vegetation. I mean, you really have to wonder why God made all these vegetables in the forms they take. And indeed, I was in luck: A bag of organic carrots was nestled behind a six-pack of soy milk on the bottom of the fridge. I selected a nice thick one and I was all set. A little vaseline daubed on for comfort and uhhhhhh! rock 'n' roll!

Now I was in fine shape, looking good! Rubber bands strangling my dick, clothespins on my nipples, a freshly shaved head and a carrot up my ass. Time to get busy. A little Oil of Olay on the old helmet -- buff, buff, buff, bring it up to speed. Oh yeah. Feeling fresh. Get out that hash pipe packed with Maui bud. Um-hmm, here we go. Like a mallet beating a xylophone, that THC strokes up the cocaine percolating through my bloodstream. I'd try another hit right now, but shooting up with a carrot in your ass can be dangerous. So I take a sip of a Starbucks triple espresso. Gone cold, but I'm beyond temperature. Time to fly! Polish, polish, polish ... oh yeah ... memories coming up, dimly, faster, stronger: playing doctor behind the shed, getting pissed on for the first time ... And now ... oh yeah, where am I? Living room, get into the bathroom, quick! Oh yeah, oh yeah, there it is, the noose, my lover, over the door. The noose, the noose. Just get my smooth head in there. Quick, the train's coming into the station!!! Oh yeah, and nudge that carrot. Uh-huh. Here we go, coming, gonna come, get it tight around the neck, now DROP.

Read No. 20

Private Life Romance, relationships, and the personal side of Table Talk