"I wanted to ignore it," Drake says. "I was conflicted on two points: One, I wanted to follow the rules, and two, I wanted to do what was best for my unit. He's a hell of a good soldier, and his soldiers would kill for him."

He finally decided to ignore the incident, with his first sergeant's blessing, and the soldier is still in the force. He says his own status and his sympathies for the soldier's plight were never even a consideration. "I totally divorce myself from it as soon as I put my uniform on," he says. "I know that's hard for people to understand."

But did it jar him with a sobering reminder of his own shaky position?

"As a gay man, it doesn't bother me, because I understand that every decision I make has certain repercussions," he says. "I'm comfortable being a gay service member, knowing I'm protected by the policy. It protects me from anyone walking up and asking if I'm gay. If anything, it gave me greater respect for the policy. The onus relies squarely on the commander. I chose what was best for my unit." He does, however, regret that the Uniform Code of Military Justice still makes sodomy a crime.

He also regrets that homosexuality provokes a corollary problem: No officer's wife to advance his career. Straight female officers also complain about the first lady requirement, but the role can be played by a willing officer's husband -- it just has to be played by someone.

"Officers are expected to partite in unit-sponsored social events, to which they are expected to bring dates and wives and husbands," says SLDN's Benecke. "And participation in that social milieu can be as important to promotion as an officer's competence."

The first lady tends to perform practical functions, like hosting social events and supervising the family support group, which can play a major role in unit morale. But her key role is played behind the scenes, working the highly influential spouses' grapevine.

"They socialize, politicize -- some of them are very political in trying to help the husband's career," Brett says. The conventional wisdom holds that an officer can coast to major on performance alone, but by colonel it's highly political.

Even if the spouse is a poor first lady, it's crucial to present the picture of a "Command Team," he says. "It's an image they're trying to portray. They expect battalion commanders to be married."

"It's not denying, that's not what it requires at all," Benecke says. "Basically, this policy requires people to establish affirmatively a heterosexual image. And if they do not put forward that image, they will come under suspicion, and will find themselves running into a glass ceiling." Bottom line, it's get a wife or give up general, Brett concludes. Probably give up even colonel. "You need to," he says. "You've got to have a spouse, a Command Team."

Politics 2000: Unflinching daily political news, analysis and commentary.